I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
