90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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