I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
