dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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