They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
