Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
