He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
