Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize