No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
