Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
