Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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