why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The Olympian is in my bed
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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