the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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