Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize