You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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