Your mouth is God's brothel.
im six kinds of drunk right now
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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