Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
