why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
