I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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