so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
