If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
