Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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