She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
