Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You smell like a Billy Joel song
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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