I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
