Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
