Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
