I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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