I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
