He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
