got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
