I think i peed on brittanys purse
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
