Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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