I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
