i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
