1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
