I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
there was a trapeze. enough said
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
