Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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