the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
