My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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