So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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