two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
