We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
