"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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