i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
