Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
