Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
