i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
