I puked a lego.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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