After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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