mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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