Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
