Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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