But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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