i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
