This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
