I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
