I am spending my child support on dildos
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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